The most physically charged social environment in recent memory will be the Eurovision Song Contest’s monthly Grand Final on Saturday.
The contest invites countries to submit an act to perform an initial song really, really, seriously, it was founded with the intention of uniting the continent following World War II. The best music of the year is chosen based on a combination of public opinion and a panel of wealthy judges. As the intended goal of the event is world peace, the European Broadcast Union ( EBU) maintains a” no politics” rule: no political songs, no partisan slogans, nothing outside of the beauty of song.
The” no politicians” principle is difficult to enforce in ordinary times. In 2024 – in the aftermath of the October 7 slaughter of 1, 200 people in Israel by the jihadist terrorists of Hamas, when the EBU had the genius idea of holding an event described as a” Europe- large queer parade” in Malmö, Sweden, famous for its Islamist” no- get zones” – it is basically difficult. Despite the fact that Israel has a long history of success at Eurovision and has previously won the event, the function is by far the biggest source of contention.
The EBU has to reveal how a transgender flag is acceptable while simultaneously condemning a Swedish-Palestinian actor for having his father’s, keffiyeh on his shoulder. Extremist pro-Hamas protesters have been erupting throughout the area that is near the place where the competition has been taking place, along with Greta Thunberg and other famous activists. The Israeli authorities specifically warned people not to attend the event, and few of Malmö’s remaining Jews have expressed concerns for their health.
And then there are the actual song-related disagreements. Sweden’s win last year was highly controversial, as its weary song” Tattoo” lost the popular vote to the metal- digital anthem” Cha Cha Cha” – Finland’s access – but the elite judges overruled the people’s favorite ( as predicted by Breitbart News ). The Finns are evidently still bitter about the damage, judging from how unhinged their 2024 obedience is and what a scream welcome” Cha Cha Cha“‘s performer, the rapper Käärijä, received on the Eurovision stage on Thursday. ” Cha Cha Cha” also very obviously inspired some of the most popular 2024 submissions, essentially daring the judges to overrule the people’s will a second time.
This year’s crops feels like a rematch between Loreen,” Tattoo “‘s performer, and , Käärijä, as so many countries took the opposite approach to, say, Croatia, and chose to submit a dramatic pop anthem performed by a mysterious woman with too many fans. Israel then attempts to stake a claim with a song that has been rewritten to be more specifically about October 7 in an increasingly hostile environment.
Below, the best and worst of this year’s tournament – the songs you just ca n’t miss.
Will Win:  , Switzerland – Nemo,” The Code”
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The “non-binary” category at Eurovision this year is the most popular because drag queens have already been crowned, and its organizers are eager to create a LGBTQIAP2S++ environment ( good luck selling that to the pro-Hamas mob in Malmö! ). Nemo ( they/them ) is one of two overtly non- binary competitors in this year’s show, the other being Ireland’s pagan? /Wiccan? /satanist? Metal Shock Value Entry is clearly a binary choice, and his song is one of them. It will be adored by the judges.
Outside of the politics, however,” The Code” is also just a great song, if you ignore the rapping. It has the dramatic James Bond theme flair that every Eurovision winner should have, Nemo’s vocals are impressive, and the imagery of the video is stunning. The presentation of the non-binary train’s ability to crash at any time is reminiscent of horror films like Train to Busan and Snowpiercer, but more on the impact of Korea at Eurovision this year and perhaps not necessarily conveying what Nemo was trying to convey. A work of art that is politically aligned with the judges, who made it abundant last year that they are in charge.
Should Win: Israel – Eden Golan,” Hurricane”
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Because Golan actually moved up to second place from eighth, making this choice a risky choice for the” should win” category! – in the betting odds on Friday, just one spot ahead of Nemo, following her incredible performance in the Thursday semi-final. The election results in Italy on Thursday, which were unintentionally leaked, showed that Israel received a stunning 39 percent of the televotes, beating the Netherlands, which received 7 % of the vote, in the second-place act. This situation has a chance for Israel.
Despite the” no politics” rule, Eurovision has a history of ballads about triumphant genocidals being won by a nation facing unusual political strife. Ukraine, for example, has won at least twice immediately after getting invaded by Russia. But ,” Hurricane” is also a dramatic ballad that stands firmly on its own merits.
Given that she was heartily booed by Hamas sympathizers, was unable to leave her hotel room because of the Islamist mob outside of the competition, and is competing with other performers who have supported the Hamas cause, Golan’s vocal performance is especially commendable.
For moral reasons – to send a message against gang rape, baby slaughter, and mass abductions– and in recognition of the quality of the song and difficulty of the performance, Israel deserves the title.
Rest of the Best:
Finland – Windows96man,” No Rules”!
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It is so encouraging to see someone try to violate EBU regulations, such as the one requiring the ban on brand logos and nudity ( which female performers frequently only manage to do so in violation of ). This whole thing is, obviously, a mess – a middle finger to the EBU for robbing Käärijä last year. The denim even resembles an attempt to mock Eurovision, the ultimate insult.
What makes this best for me is that research into Windows95man shows that his whole , thing, whatever it is, it not a novelty act designed with Eurovision in mind. Teemu Keisteri has been playing at corporate parties in Daisy Dukes since at least 2016 and has done this. This act has been put to almost a decade of work.
This being selected for the final is a miracle, and it speaks highly of the European people. Enjoy.
Greece – Marina Satti,” Zari”
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There are two different categories of Eurovision entries: Eurovision-specific acts, such as” Tattoo,” and those that serve as certifiable pop hits outside of the competition. The greatest pop classic to ever come from the contest is, of course, Abba’s” Waterloo“, which is celebrating the 50th anniversary of its victory. A more recent example is 2021 winner” Zitti e Buoni” by the rock band , MÃ¥neskin, which became a massive international hit outside of Eurovision.
” Zari” is not the most original song in the world – it clearly emulates the style of the Spanish reggaetón singer RosalÃa– but it is danceable, has extremely high production value, boasts a great vocal performance, and would not sound out of place on American Hispanic top 40 radio. It’s a great song that you can listen to endlessly.
Armenia , – Ladaniva,” Jako”
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Making a work of art that is both unique and representative of the nation it is from is one of the biggest challenges facing Eurovision writers. This is proudly and loudly Armenian thanks to the traditional beats of” Jako,” the singing style, and the aesthetics and clothing used in the video and performance, but there is a call-and-reply bit that anyone can sing along to, and the entire song has a party vibe.
Sweden – , Marcus &, Martinus,” Unforgettable”
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I’ve long advocated for South Korea’s participation in Eurovision. South Korea is currently the world’s dance-pop capital. The” Euro” part of Eurovision has been inching towards meaninglessness for years – Israel, Armenia, and Georgia are questionably” Euro” at best, and the facade of the event being solely European fell entirely when Australia was invited , to compete in 2015. The argument for Korea is strengthened by this year’s entry from Sweden.
This is Korean pop at its finest: the early 2000s American hip- hop video cheese grater backdrop, the high- energy electronic crooning, the timid heartthrob aesthetic of twins , Marcus and Martinus. Although Michael Jackson is frequently cited in K-pop,” Unforgettable” is a clear example of how the West will start gazing back at you if you take a deep breath in the abyss of Western pop culture.
The song is n’t just good because it could be on a Big Bang album, however– it stands on its own merits as a fun, danceable, forget- your- worries anthem. And Eurovision could use a moment to let go of its worries this year.
The Worst of the Worst
Ireland – Bambie Thug,” Doomsday Blue”
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Would you believe Ireland, alongside Sweden, has won more Eurovisions than any other country? It has n’t happened since 1996, and the modern history of Ireland is, to put it mildly, an atrocity: this turkey thing that Ireland fans tried to later claim was an intentional joke, not one but TWO appearances by Jedward, and now this: an extremely boring and unlistenable Wiccan/Satanic/generic occult LGBTQIA2S+ display. It’s boring because Marilyn Manson’s heyday was 30 years ago, and it’s unlistenable because of the absence of a recognizable tune. No one cares if you want to cast spells on your girlfriends in the woods or whatever because it’s 2024.
Croatia – Baby Lasagna,” Rim Tim Tagi Dim”
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I’m going to get a lot of hate for this but” Rim Tim Tagi Dim” – bettors ‘ top pick to win – is … not good. Do n’t get me wrong, this is not a lazy or sloppy entry. The dramatic rise in Croatia betting odds is, by all accounts, the result of Baby Lasagna’s recent vocal and showmanship, which is commendable. But the song is terrible. The basic melody is annoying and the try- too- hard weird lyrics ( “meow cat/please meow back” ) just do n’t land.
There are only two reasons why this song is getting so much love: Baby Lasagna is extremely handsome and the song vaguely resembles the people’s winner of the 2023 contest, Finland’s” Cha Cha Cha”. But” Cha Cha Cha” worked because it was, in its day, original, and the lyrics, mostly in Finnish, were great: the relatable struggle of an exhausted introvert trying to have fun at a bar at the end of a week and becoming an entirely new person after a few piña coladas. The film” Rim Tim Tagi Dim” tries to be a rallying cry for young men trapped in sluggish economies, but it just comes off as a worse version of” Cha Cha Cha.”
France – Slimane,” Mon Amour”
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This entry has the opposite problem of” Rim Tim Tagi Dim” – it’s trying entirely too hard to be” classy”, and Eurovision is not a platform for” classy”. No one will remember France trying to be above it all in a week with the least-interesting love song they can think of.
Netherlands – Joost Klein,” Europapa”
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I want to like it, but this is so awful. It’s just so bad.
In a contest where most nations send in love songs or veiled attempts at political propaganda, which must be edited to adhere to the” no politics” rule, the attempt to write a song about being proud to be European is at least original. However, this is merely a 1995 techno song with a Dutchman rapping about the convenience of being a Schengener ally over it.
Additionally, this man admits to not knowing what paella is. Then they have the guts to claim that Americans lack culture.
Latvia – Dons,” Hollow”
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Since it has been a while, I’m very happy for Latvia that they made it to the final. However, this song is a complete error in the room. Creepy, depressing, a cry for help. This is n’t the venue for this!
Croatia fans can send angry messages to Frances Martel on , Facebook , and , Twitter.
