I do n’t think much of a lonely old age. Closing in on my 61st holiday, eight decades into a very happy relationship, I’ve got a woman, two young stepkids, an older child by an father, a nephew and four sisters. The majority of them at least acknowledge me, and a few also confess their love for me. But maybe I’m taking too much for granted. People die, fall apart, tumble out – and anyone who knows me will tell you that I can be very annoying.
It’s not unthinkable that none of my home will need to have much to do with me in fifteen or twenty years.
As for my close companions, some of whom I have known for more than 40 years, well, a ) they’re obviously getting on a little, and b ) I’ve done a horrible job of keeping in touch with them. What with the lockdowns, and giving up vodka, I have almost forgotten how to socialise. I’m not frightened of relapsing nearly four years after I stopped drinking, but the sober me finds it easier to enjoy wine bars and restaurants and has a little less to say about himself. When I’m feeling generous, I remind myself he’s even less likely to finish the night spouting twaddle.
Sometimes I’ll just been left with a couple of dogs. Maybe that’s not so terrible. Although I’ve come a long way from the waggy-and-licky reason, I’ve had the good fortune to care for two Italian rescues for the past six decades. Sienna, a fatheaded staffie- dachshund, and Stevie, a bogbrush- tailed quarter- mastiff, are often glad to see me, generally good company. You might consider it to be good to talk to them more. Is it wrong to call a puppy sweetheart?
Just out of enthusiasm ( I speak to puppies! ). ), I decided to see how I rank best now on the UCLA grief level, introduced in 1978 and, after some adjustments, still one of the most common methods. How often do I think only, asks the online check. Previously, often, sometimes, usually? How frequently do I feel like those around me do n’t share my interests and ideas with them? Previously, often, sometimes, usually? Twenty issues like this, and I receive a score of 37 out of a conceivable 80. This represents a “moderate” amount of grief, as opposed to “low”, “moderately great” or “high”. That’s a much worse than I expected. Stevie, Sienna, you’re no pulling your fat.
We may possibly button down what we mean by loneliness, as opposed to quiet, apathy, social isolation, disconnection etc. For Henry Rollins, the previous Black Flag singer turned poet, it’s something that “adds elegance to life. Landscapes are particularly stung and the air smells better as a result. I’m going to report that under Poetic Nonsense. The Campaign to End Loneliness ( CEL), more usefully, defines it as” a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. When there is a disconnect between the quality and quantity of the interpersonal associations we have and the ones we want, it happens.
This imbalance can wreck lives, especially as we age, the grim reaper scavenges through our loved ones, and pension or illness undoes all the poor ties that come with the weekly commute or regular shop. About 4 million Britons are severely depressed, according to the CEL, meaning they feel that way “often or often”. In 2022 Michael, a 58- yr- ancient who had lost his mother a couple of years previously, told the Mental Health Foundation his career was “like being on a plain island”. When you lose someone who really understands you, he said, “you really get you in a deeper approach than other people, it’s really a hole.”
” People who are usually or constantly lonely”, the base noted, “have a higher risk of developing certain mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. Additionally, this type of grief is linked to a rise in suicide ideas.
It’s not amazing that one sign of suffering encourages another. However, grief is just as harmful to our bodies as it is to our minds. The US’s leading physician, physician public Vivek Murthy, is but worried that next year he issued an urgent reminder about the “epidemic” of grief and cultural isolation. ( These are not quite the same thing, though there’s a big overlap. Social isolation describes an objective lack of social connections, while loneliness is all about perception. You can be lonely without being socially isolated – and, if you’re lucky, vice versa. )
Murthy did n’t mince his words. ” Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26 % and 29 % respectively”, he wrote. More generally, not having a social connection increases the risk of premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day. Additionally, having a lack of or poor social connections increases the risk of developing diseases, including a 32 % increase in stroke risk and a 29 % increase in heart disease risk. Furthermore” – you’re spoiling us, Dr Murthy – “it is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression and dementia. Additionally, the lack of social connection may increase susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illness”.
Loneliness is a “natural feeling that kind of ebbs and flows across our lifetime,” according to Joe Harrison, a campaign manager for the Marmalade Trust, the charity that hosts the current Loneliness Awareness Week. It follows a sort of U-shaped curve, according to researchers from the US’s Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, with a peak in young adulthood, a trough in midlife, then a second rise after 60, becoming particularly steep around 80.
Looking back, my own loneliest moments were in my teens and 20s – at school, in my first year away from home at university, as an English assistant in France, during a couple of unhappy relationships. Even though I was mostly living alone in a mountaintop shack where I could go for days without seeing anyone else, in my 40s, I felt much more connected to the world.
There’s something particularly brutal about loneliness striking in your 70s, 80s or 90s, when there’s so little time to grow through it. It seems so final. How do you interpret Ruth Lowe’s statement that” 3 million older people believe that their main source of company is television or radio”? Lowe, who leads Age UK’s loneliness services, says that many of the risk factors she cites seem more difficult to overcome than, say, settling into a new job or school.
According to Lowe, “aging people are very much at risk of loneliness,” due to things like bereavement, physical and mental health issues, or the need to care for a loved one. ” And other life changes, such as losing things that many of us consider to be important, such as having good vision and hearing, or being able to walk to the shops, can cause people to spend countless hours alone without anyone to talk to, feeling isolated and invisible.” That’s why Age UK has an actual head of loneliness services, as well as a 24- hour Silver Line helpline for the over- 55s, a telephone friendship service and face- to- face befriending.
Before I realized I needed help, I do wonder how bad things would have gone. Mark Rowland, the chief executive of the Mental Health Foundation, says many of us struggle to admit that we are lonely, even to ourselves. ” There’s still a tremendous stigma”, he says. ” As a society we’re more fragmented, there are factors that individually we ca n’t control, but we internalise the cause of loneliness as being a defect of our personality – we’re not interesting enough, we’re not valuable enough. That can lead to a downward spiral of resentment and withdrawal. In other words, you feel lonely, you avoid other people, you feel more lonely …
To quote Michael again, loneliness is” corrosive”, “eats away at your self- image”, “makes you question the value of your life”.
When I spent months thinking it was everything around me that was falling apart, rather than my mind, as I learned from my long-ago experience of depression, naming what you are feeling can be the first step in taking action. According to Rowland, “one of the messages we want to get across is that loneliness is not insurmountable at any time of life.” However, it’s very challenging when, let’s say, it’s rustling away at your mental and emotional life without even giving a damn about it. The first step in breaking that cycle is really to bring it into the light and share it with yourself and then with others.
A plan for loneliness
Eight suggestions from the Mental Health Foundation:
Try to keep busy
This might involve a hobby such as gardening, going to the gym or even sorting out your kitchen cupboards, jigsaws, puzzles or knitting. Small pursuits can give you energy and positive thoughts. Be careful not to work too hard or watch TV shows just as a distraction if these things are important because they are enjoyable or fulfilling. This will only halt or suppress your emotions, which could worsen your mental state.
Stimulate your mind
This might include taking classes or watching podcasts about everything from fitness to comedy. Just hearing someone else’s voice can make you feel less alone.
Get moving
Physical exercise can help with loneliness. When you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, it could be as easy as going for a walk in the park. Alternatively, you could listen to music and dance around your living room. ( Be aware of your neighbours, though. )
Try to interact with each person you encounter.
When you’re lonely, it can be difficult to communicate with others. However, it can be beneficial to try to connect with those you encounter while going about your day. Even catching someone’s eye and saying” Hi” as you walk along can make you feel better. By sharing a polite greeting, you might find you give someone else a lift, too.
Find people who ‘ get’ you
Finding people who have had similar experiences to you is very beneficial. Look for connections on social media and in your neighborhood.
Spend time with pets
Animals not only give us unwavering love and support, but they also help us organize our days and even encourage us to leave and connect with others. Additionally, it has been demonstrated that interaction with pets can lower stress levels.
Use social media to promote goodwill
Social media can either improve or worsen your mental health. Find online communities that are similar to your interests and passions. Most importantly, be aware of your feelings when you use social media, and stick with the topics and activities that appeal to you the most.
Talking therapies may be beneficial.
Talking therapy can be challenging to access, but finding a counselor or therapist will give you a safe place to work through your feelings and thoughts without judgment. On the NHS website, check out your local resources.
