Explaining the 2024 Election to Someone Who Just Woke up From a Coma

This election season has been something, has n’t it? In the 2024 battle, there were more twists and turns than in all the world’s pleasure gardens. So I conducted a thought experiment: How would you describe this year to someone who had n’t had it?

Come with me to a room at St. Mary’s Hospital in Athens, Ga., as coma patient Jeff O’Connor wakes up and his ( blessedly conservative ) physician, Dr. Jacob Taylor, talks with him.

Dr. Taylor: Fine day, Jeff. We’re thankful you’re alive. Some of your personal items are traveling with your family Elizabeth.

Jeff: &nbsp, What day is it?

Dr. Taylor: It’s Nov. 7, 2024, and you’ve been in a stupor for exactly a year.

Jeff: Wow, but I guess I missed out on a lot of things.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, That might be an exaggeration.

Jeff: &nbsp, Did the Georgia Bulldogs win a second national final?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, However, not. The playoffs commission punished them for falling to Alabama in the SEC Championship, and they lost. However, Nick Saban left after the winter.

Jeff: &nbsp, That may support us against Alabama.

Dr. Taylor: You’d think so, but that was n’t the case this season.

Jeff: &nbsp, Oh no. Wait a second, Doc, the election was this week, was n’t it?

Dr. Taylor: Yes.

Jeff: &nbsp, Who won?

Dr. Taylor: Donald Trump did.

Jeff: Oh fine. I guess he defeated Joe Biden very easily, right?

Dr. Taylor: ( sighs ) Not exactly.

Jeff: What do you think?

Dr. Taylor: ( pulls up a chair ) There’s a lot to explain.

Jeff: Show me all about it.

Dr. Taylor: This begin with what happened this summers. Things were quite quiet, and the polls were fairly actually until Trump debated Biden. Biden was incomprehensible, and it played to Trump’s benefits.

Jeff: Nice.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Finally, a couple of weeks after the conversation, Trump did a protest in Pennsylvania, and a man shot him!

Jeff: How?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, The Secret Service farted round, and somehow the man got on the roof of a tower. Fortunately, a gun just grazed Trump’s ears. He sneered “FIGHT!” and jumped right off. FIGHT! FIGHT”! It was both frightful and inspiring at the same time.

Jeff: &nbsp, Wow. But did that remove Biden’s entire velocity?

Dr. Taylor: I’m really getting to that. The weekend after the killing, Biden dropped out of the race. He made the announcement on Twitter, which, by the way, is then called X. It was crazy.

Jeff: I bet the Democrats had to struggle and had a bunch of fresh elections.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, You’d believe thus. Rather, they anointed Kamala Harris as the candidate.

Jeff: ( turns up his nose ) Really?

Dr. Taylor: Yeah, and it seemed like a lot of Democrats supported her reluctantly.

Jeff: Who did she get as her running partner? Newsom? Stacey Abrams?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Tim Walz, the government of Minnesota.

Jeff: Wait, is n’t he the tampon guy?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Well. And he was embarrassing. He lied about his history and fumbled around with Rockette kicks and dance hands. He made a full fool of himself.

Jeff: Dang. Kamala probably made all sorts of gaffes, did n’t she?

Dr. Taylor: Obviously. She served up word veggies like a persuasive Golden Corral, but the plan even shielded her with a bunch of pleasant, ball conversations. She only spoke with Trump once, and she only had one difficult meeting with Bret Baier, for which she had the sole goal of bashing him.

Jeff: &nbsp, Gosh, it sounded like a no-brainer. Trump should’ve dominated in the elections.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Again, you may think thus, but polling stayed short all the way up to Election Day.

Jeff: &nbsp, Dang. Who will be Trump’s VP? Tim Scott? Nikki Haley? Ron DeSantis?

Dr. Taylor: JD Vance.

Jeff: &nbsp, The” Hillbilly Elegy” man?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, The pretty one. And he’s done a fantastic job campaigning. He’s a powerful loudspeaker, and he’s great in interviews. My family keeps threatening to take me away from him. ( laughs )

Jeff: &nbsp, ( laughs ) Back to the assassination attempt. Did the Secret Service give him greater safety? Has anyone been penalized for it?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, The Secret Service producer resigned, and a lot of questions remained unresolved. Additionally, police after detained another man who was attempting to assassinate Trump at his sport lessons in Florida.

Jeff: &nbsp, No means! This gets crazier and crazier. Bobby Kennedy stowed behind her and sat in wait?

Dr. Taylor: Kennedy dropped away, but he endorsed Trump. Tulsi Gabbard, also. She’s a Republican today. And Elon Musk supports Trump.

Jeff: &nbsp, That’s crazy! I suppose the various Democrats aided Kamala.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, She had the Obamas and the Story on the campaign trail. And she also had TDS Republicans support her. Kamala and Liz Cheney went on the campaign road.

Jeff: Ugh. A million persons in my opinion would be more like Liz Cheney than I am.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Trump had some great battle ideas, also, like eliminating levies on ideas.

Jeff: Oh, that’s wonderful. Audrey, my daughter, is awaiting tables at Applebee’s to support her pay for her college education.

Dr. Taylor: Also, I should definitely let your family tell you this, but Audrey dropped out of school and is now, umm, dancing at Toppers, that men’s league city.

Jeff: &nbsp, Whoa. I wonder if Trump’s no-tax-on-tips strategy covers ideas for, umm, that kind of amusement. I need to discuss that with her.

Dr. Taylor: Trump and Vance did long discussions with Joe Rogan.

Jeff: Did Kamala and Walz do them to? Similar day and all.

Dr. Taylor: No, otherwise, Kamala did a gender radio.

Jeff: Gross.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, She likewise lied about working at McDonalds. Trump therefore worked the fryers and the drive-thru at a McDonald’s for an evening.

Jeff: I bet that was amusing.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Speaking of entertaining, a artist made a joke at a Trump rally about Puerto Rico having a waste problem, but Joe Biden came out and said that Trump’s followers were wastes. Trump is next to mind driving a garbage vehicle!

Jeff: &nbsp, Oh man, nothing is battle like him. How did the vote turn away, then? Was it nearby?

Dr. Taylor: Not like the elections were leading us to believe. Trump swept both the swing state.

Jeff: &nbsp, Georgia to?

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Georgia also. And Republicans now control the House, keeping the Senate. Trump actually won the vote of majority!

Jeff: Guy, I really did lose a bit.

Dr. Taylor: &nbsp, Socialists are angry. On social press, they are acting out in rage and grief. The popular press is in its mugs, too. But little anger and sadness.

Jeff: &nbsp, That’s fine. PJ Media provides the majority of my information to me.

Dr. Taylor: Me to. They’re running a post-election VIP specific, where new Club members can find 74 % off with the script POTUS47. This year, that bargain expires.

Jeff: &nbsp, Sounds like I woke up just in time. I need to ensure Paige has my computer with her so I can sign up.

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