Great news, everybody: My Wi-Fi really came in! … Simply in time for us to leave. ( That’s straight: Over the last 10 days, your honest writer has been uploading his papers via his phone’s hub — how’s that for passion? You’re welcome, America. )
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As you might’ve guessed, I’m not a Florida Person — I’m a Tampa Guy. And sure, there’s a change: A Florida Man is a country-fried meth-head who skins gophers and stabs you in the eye if you say Subway’s channels are better that Publix’s. ( Of course, he’s right about that. ) They’re a cunning species, the fringiest of the border. Florida Man is a little joy when he spends too much time in your trajectory, but he never really lasts.  ,
By comparison, a Tampa Guy is far more refined. We drink Yuengling from a glass ( surrounded by a koozie, of course ). And we are adept at having excitement. When Vegas is to overt, Tampa Bay is where America ends up.  ,
Not to boast, but:
Wonderful beaches! Amazing sunsets! Night clubs ( and, uh, *other* kinds of clubs ) galore! The sixth-largest game in the world, the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel &, Casino, is here! ( It’s where white people pay reparations to the Natives. ) If you ca n’t have fun here, you’re hopeless.
All the biggest events, too: We hosted the Republican National Convention in 2012 ( I forget if we won or not ). Multiple Super Bowls. Stanley Cups. World Series. Even a WrestleMania — and to Florida Man, it absolutely, 100 % does n’t get any bigger than THAT.
Thousands of professional athletes live here ( or used to sit here ), too. No sure why, but older stars and existing ones are everywhere. Hulk Hogan, quite naturally, is the most popular, but Ric Flair, Randy Savage, John Cena, Ricky Steamboat, Brian Blair ( who became a local politician ) — all in Tampa has met at least one of ‘ em.
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For a little while, Winter the Dolphin was definitely more popular than Hulk Hogan, but unfortunately, Winter died and went to Fishy Heaven. So I think the” Most Famous Mammalian in Tampa Bay” crown is back on the bald head of the Hulkster … brutherrr.
Tampa Bay’s talk-radio war defied information. If Bubba the Love Sponge and Todd Schnitt always make a video about what transpired, it would be the funniest sitcom ever to be produced. There were disgusting allegations, lawsuits— and lawyers ( plural! ) getting disbarred. Great things!
But you bad diminishes completely missed the mark. Well, that’s what you get for no living around. Serves you straight.
According to Emeril Lagasse, New Orleans and Tampa Bay have the two most renowned culinary practices in the United States. At least, I think , that’s what he told me: It was 14 years earlier and my memory is cloudy. However, I am aware that the quote was published in a magazine I own ( where I coordinated the interview ), but unfortunately, I am unable to verify it because it was simply destroyed by Hurricane Helene.
It’s been a tough some days in Tampa Bay.
We’re no neighbors to storms. Each time, we get two or three of ‘ boyz. And more often than not, it’s simply a lot of wind and rain, which makes for a great excuse to satisfy your neighbors and have fun drinking yourself. ( Tampa Bay hurricane parties are legendary. ) Okay, even when it’s over, the roads may become swamped and the energy KO’d for a little while, but we know this drilling: DeSantis is doing an excellent job at the moment, but over the 20 years I’ve lived below, all the Florida governors were exemplary during natural disasters.  ,
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Our system is ready to rock and roll because everyone has already been to this dance a zillion times before. It’s kind of like snowfalls in northern locations.
But we were shocked by Helene. Nobody has ever witnessed this much flood.
Yours foresaw the problems with his house when fish started scurrying by his garage. We had five feet of flood and lost all three of our vehicles by the time Helene arrived and left. ( Including a stunning Italian woman named Giulia, who only wanted to make me happy and never hurt anyone. ) We were told it was a once-in-a-century function.
And then, less than two weeks later, we’re getting another one-on-a-century function. Oh, how great.
Very soon, the Pinsker family may get evacuating. To frightful is Hurricane Milton, really. The worst-case situation will be a surprise boom 4+ feet higher than Helene’s.  ,
Not sure if that will hold up in my home.
But in the meantime? Woohoo!! Children are silent: Wi-Fi is again!
You must use your successes where you can.