An exclusive excerpt from my recently re-published expat memoir, Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile ( now available in paperback ) is what follows:
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I hope Nigel will still be, no matter where he is today, a surly old soldier. He was skepticism personified, stifled in droopy flesh and drooping eye, both worn out and on-the-ball at the same time.
As the American professor at BangkokThonburi University’s Hotel California phone rang out in front of his office, the retired British Navy pensioner, committed adult, and profanity-proud-of-self mumbled profanity to himself.  ,
Bryan, his long-time companion and part-time caretaker, attempted to teach Nigel about his cellphone and the things it does, but the instruction wasn’t quite right.
My grandfather ( sometimes called” Boomer Zoomer,” ironically, as he occasionally refers to himself ) behaves similarly in online ZoomTM video chats.
The Hotel California phone rang because Nigel’s Thai woman was calling scold him in Thai, a language that Nigel had miraculously managed to master in the span of sixteen times.
The State of Feminism in Southeast Asia is a topic covered in  Related:
Bryan, who smoothly speaks Thai and frequently serves as a translator between Nigel and his wife, was given the telephone by Nigel.
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” I’m not sure what she wants,” she said.
Bryan sighed audibly, took the telephone, and firmly pressed it to his neck, and then shook his head.
Bryan responded with the customary Thai greeting,” Sawasdee khrup.”
After two exchanges, Bryan snorted and gave Nigel the phone again.
A beverage was left in the refrigerator after it detonated.
Nigel’s face flashed with a wonderfully thoughtless memories.
” Oh, that’s correct, mate. That I did.
She desires you to be house by four. And she requires more dental care.
I hypothesized that Nigel had something to do with the crumbling British Empire, which he had served in the Queen’s Navy, and whose beautiful memory still lingers peacefully in the hearts of patriotic English baby boomers.
Older Brits, the ones I’ve met, have a tendency to hold onto outdated myths that everything is more or less American, and that if something is less English, it will quickly become more English once the ethnics are trained in King James Bibles and spoken English, and are more likely to be civilized to speak English.
The British Empire not experiences sunset.
Turned Pagan Headhunters and the Shining City on a Hill,  
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On a faculty-wide surrender to the seaside resort Hua Hin involving the remainder of the foreign language workers, Nigel drank unnecessarily, fell down the stairs at the resort, and messed his rear up things fierce — an old damage from the Queen’s navy.
As usual, Bryan had to deal with his duties as Nigel’s illegal translator and social liaison to visit his wife and clarify why her farang husband was slicing his vacation shortly after discovering him at the bottom of the staircase.
Needless to say, Bryan had grown closely and cruelly acquainted with the angry Thai wife-vs. Nigel-translation routine.
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