The World Wars, the moon landing, the invention of the internet, the fall of empires, and civil rights revolutions — history has no shortage of epic, world-altering events. This article is not about any of them.So buckle up (preferably with a cup of coffee — before someone bans it again), and prepare for a crash course in the other kind of history: the wonderfully weird, the almost-catastrophic, and the gloriously pointless moments that thankfully didn’t rewrite the world.
The Pig War (1859)
The United States and Britain nearly went to war over a pig. Yes, just one pig. When an American settler on San Juan Island shot a British-owned pig rooting in his garden, both sides sent troops to the disputed territory.Warships loomed, rifles were cocked… and the pig remained the only casualty. Cooler heads prevailed, and the “war” ended with a peaceful joint occupation. It could’ve sparked a war — but it ended in polite waiting and paperwork.
Ottoman Sultan banned coffee — and beheaded drinkers (1600s)
Before Starbucks, coffee was considered an intoxicant in the Ottoman Empire. Sultan Murad IV thought it was a gateway drug to rebellion and banned it. The ruler also cited religious reasons behind his action- sounds familiar right?He took enforcement personally — wandering the streets in disguise and decapitating coffee drinkers. Thankfully, the empire’s caffeine withdrawal didn’t last. Coffee made a strong comeback, and we avoided a jittery revolt.
The Great Emu War (1932)
In a spectacularly weird chapter of Australian history, the government declared war… on emus. These large, fast-running birds were destroying wheat crops, so soldiers were sent to exterminate them with machine guns.The emus outran the soldiers and outmaneuvered their military tactics. After multiple failed campaigns and a lot of wasted bullets, the birds won. Officially, the emus were never defeated.Bird brains: 1; Army: 0.
A Pope declared a bearded lady a saint
Meet Saint Wilgefortis, a legendary woman who grew a beard to escape an unwanted marriage. Her father tried to force her into wedlock, but divine facial hair saved the day.While historians argue about the facts, the Catholic Church (at one point) venerated her as a patron saint of beards and difficult marriages. Imagine a world where shaving your face was a sacred act of rebellion.
A Soviet radio operator refused to start WWIII (1983)
In 1983, Soviet officer Stanislav Petrov received a warning of incoming US missiles. His orders were to retaliate immediately.But something felt off — and he didn’t press the button. It turned out to be a false alarm caused by sunlight bouncing off clouds.Petrov’s gut instinct may have literally saved the world. No medal, no movie deal — just humanity narrowly avoiding nuclear extinction over a radar glitch.
The great molasses flood (1919)
In Boston, a giant storage tank filled with molasses exploded, sending a 25-foot wave of syrup through the city at 35 mph.Buildings collapsed, horses drowned, and 21 people died — in molasses. It sounds like a cartoon, but it happened.The flood led to stricter building regulations, proving that sticky situations can lead to sweet reforms.
France tried to ban kissing on trains (1910)
In a move to prevent “delays and distractions,” French officials banned kissing at train stations. Signs were posted, and gendarmes were assigned to enforce the law.Lovers, of course, ignored it. The policy quickly derailed. France remains the land of romance, and train platforms continue to host tearful embraces and dramatic smooches.
The Cadaver Synod (897 AD)
Medieval politics got extra weird when Pope Stephen VI dug up the rotting corpse of his predecessor, Pope Formosus, dressed him in papal robes, and put him on trial.Unsurprisingly, the dead pope lost. His corpse was thrown into the Tiber River. This surreal moment of posthumous justice caused massive public outrage — and is still one of the strangest trials in history.
The US military invented ‘Gay Bomb’
In a 1990s research proposal, the US military considered developing a non-lethal weapon that would release female sex pheromones to confuse enemy soldiers — hoping it would cause “disruptive sexual behavior.” The so-called “Gay Bomb” was never made (or deployed), but it did earn the military a 2007 Ig Nobel Prize for its creativity in missing the point.
New Zealand lost war to sparrows
In the 19th century, New Zealand introduced sparrows to control crop pests. The sparrows liked the crops better and caused more damage than the original pests.Farmers declared war, forming “sparrow clubs” to kill them — but the sparrows multiplied faster. Nature had the last chirp, and New Zealand learned the hard way about ecological balance.
History could have been very different — and very weird — if these events had gone another way. But thanks to restraint, reason, and sometimes just dumb luck, the world didn’t spiral into chaos over pigs, molasses, or unwanted kisses.So next time history feels too serious, just remember: we’re all one pig away from a very different timeline.
